Book Club #4: How to Win Friends Part 1
How to Win Friends and Influence People. I know, it sounds a little strange, almost sociopathic but consider, it was written almost 100 years ago. If this book was written today, It’d probably be titled something like: “How to be a people-person”. I might go as far as to say it’s the bible of social skills.
This world-renowned book was written by a man called Dale Carnegie in the 1930s.
“Dale Carnegie was an American writer and lecturer, and the developer of courses in self-improvement, salesmanship, corporate training, public speaking, and interpersonal skills.” - Goodreads.
I’ve been reading this book for the past few weeks and I wanted to write about it here but in that attempt, I realised something: This is an incredibly dense book, packed with so much useful information. I will try and summarise what I have learned from the book’s four main parts. Here’s part 1.
Techniques in Handling People
This part focuses on 3 principles:
Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Don’t criticize, condemn or complain
I honestly found this one to be a little confusing when I first picked up the book. “If I can’t tell someone that they’re wrong, then how else will they know?” I thought to myself. - Clearly, I had a lot to learn.
This chapter is all about one fundamental characteristic of human beings that we should take care to realise: We do not respond well to criticisms. It is often hurtful and uncalled for and it doesn’t bring about the change that one might intend. It puts the person on the back foot and instead of changing their minds, it often makes them dig their heels in further.
“Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. …. Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”
As the quote says, one should first strive to understand the person and have a forgiving attitude. Begin in a friendly way.
***
In the book, there are many great stories to provide examples of each principle at work. I will only include one of my favourite stories from each principal so we’re not here until next week: Here’s a tear-jerker of a story by W. Livingston Larned that Carnegie included at the end of the chapter:
Yep, I cried too.
Give honest and sincere appreciation
This chapter hinges on one of our most prominent wants in life: “A feeling of importance” as Carnegie puts it.
In fact, Carnegie highlights 8 things that most people might want:
Health and the preservation of life.
Food.
Sleep.
Money and the things that money will buy.
Life in the hereafter.
Sexual gratification.
The well-being of our children.
A feeling of importance.
Carnegie tells us that most of these wants are usually gratified apart from one. As William James said: “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” (AKA a feeling of importance.)
Here is a short story from the book, that I found rather heart-warming:
“A member of one of our classes told of a request made by his wife. She and a group of other women in her church were involved in a self-improvement program. She asked her husband to help her by listing six things he believed she could do to help her become a better wife. He reported to the class: “I was surprised by such a request. Frankly, it would have been easy for me to list six things I would like to change about her—my heavens, she could have listed a thousand things she would like to change about me—but I didn’t. I said to her, ‘Let me think about it and give you an answer in the morning.’
“The next morning I got up very early and called the florist and had them send six red roses to my wife with a note saying: ‘I can’t think of six things I would like to change about you. I love you the way you are.’
“When I arrived at home that evening, who do you think greeted me at the door? That’s right. My wife! She was almost in tears. Needless to say, I was extremely glad I had not criticized her as she had requested.
“The following Sunday at church, after she had reported the results of her assignment, several women with whom she had been studying came up to me and said, ‘That was the most considerate thing I have ever heard.’ It was then I realized the power of appreciation.”
And here’s a funny one, that I thought would be worth including:
According to this silly story, a farm woman, at the end of a heavy day’s work, set before her menfolks a heaping pile of hay. And when they indignantly demanded whether she had gone crazy, she replied: “Why, how did I know you’d notice? I’ve been cooking for you men for the last twenty years and in all that time I ain’t heard no word to let me know you wasn’t just eating hay.”
So, we’ve learned that negative comments can be harmful and ineffective to our cause. Now we see that giving appreciation is, well… appreciated. An honest and sincere ‘thank you’ can go a long way.
My Notes
I especially resonated with this quote from the book:
“When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”
I drew a little diagram to visualise what I saw in my mind’s eye:
It’s a weird drawing, I know, but a memorable image like this one helps me to remember what I read. I’ll write more about this in another article.
Let’s get back on track…
Arouse in the other person an eager want
Again, the phrasing in this book is a little dated, just bare with me on this one. In this chapter, Carnegie writes about this fact: You can’t make someone do something unless they want to do it. You may have heard the phrase: 'You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink'
So how does one make the horse want to drink?
“I often went fishing up in Maine during the summer. Personally I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what I wanted. I thought about what they wanted. I didn’t bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangled a worm or a grasshopper in front of the fish and said: “Wouldn’t you like to have that?”
Why not use the same common sense when fishing for people?
…
Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absured. Of course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want.”
One must talk in terms of the other’s interests. When I understood this fact, it reminded me of a certain dwarf from the popular Game of Thrones series: Tyrion Lannister. Tyrion was often able to escape certain doom and achieve great success by using his sharp wit. He would ask this question of other characters in the series: “What do you want? Tell me.” Tyrion always finds a way to put the strength of their own desires directly in line with his goals. Like this:
“The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.”
If you want to read more on this, I highly recommend watching this video summarising Tyrion’s success with this technique:
The video also talks about bad examples of characters trying to convince others: Some characters try to do so by talking about their own interests and it never ends well for them.
This chapter is filled with such ‘bad examples’, for example in letters. Carnegie takes one particularly bad example and re-writes it so that its intentions are more effective:
“Dear Mr. Vermylen:
Your company has been one of our good customers for fourteen years. Naturally, we are very grateful for your patronage and are eager to give you the speedy, efficient service you deserve. However, we regret to say that it isn’t possible for us to do that when your trucks bring us a large shipment late in the afternoon, as they did on November 10. Why? Because many other customers make late afternoon deliveries also. Naturally, that causes congestion. That means your trucks are held up unavoidably at the pier and sometimes even your freight is delayed.
That’s bad, but it can be avoided. If you make your deliveries at the pier in the morning when possible, your trucks will be able to keep moving, your freight will get immediate attention, and our workers will get home early at night to enjoy a dinner of the delicious macaroni and noodles that you manufacture. Regardless of when your shipments arrive, we shall always cheerfully do all in our power to serve you promptly. You are busy. Please don’t trouble to answer this note.
Yours truly,
J—— B——, Supt.”
Notice how that letter is phrased. It starts off very complimentary and appreciative of their partnership. Then it goes on to talk in terms of the other person’s wants. It is very kind and considerate.
I have one more, that is a particular favourite of mine and perhaps a little less corporate:
Another example of persuading comes from Stan Novak of Cleveland, Ohio, a participant in our course. Stan came home from work one evening to find his youngest son, Tim, kicking and screaming on the living room floor. He was to start kindergarten the next day and was protesting that he would not go. Stan’s normal reaction would have been to banish the child to his room and tell him he’d just better make up his mind to go. He had no choice. But tonight, recognizing that this would not really help Tim start kindergarten in the best frame of mind, Stan sat down and thought, “If I were Tim, why would I be excited about going to kindergarten?” He and his wife made a list of all the fun things Tim would do such as finger painting, singing songs, making new friends. Then they put them into action. “We all started finger-painting on the kitchen table —my wife, Lil, my other son Bob, and myself, all having fun. Soon Tim was peeping around the corner. Next he was begging to participate. ‘Oh, no! You have to go to kindergarten first to learn how to finger-paint.’ With all the enthusiasm I could muster I went through the list talking in terms he could understand—telling him all the fun he would have in kindergarten. The next morning, I thought I was the first one up. I went downstairs and found Tim sitting sound asleep in the living room chair. ‘What are you doing here?’ I asked. ‘I’m waiting to go to kindergarten. I don’t want to be late.’ The enthusiasm of our entire family had aroused in Tim an eager want that no amount of discussion or threat could have possibly accomplished.”
Conclusions
I honestly understand if you think this kind of thing sounds a little too cold and scientific, maybe even manipulative. I might have thought the same if I were in your place.
However, it’s important to note that what we have covered so far helps not just us, but also everyone we interact with in many ways:
It avoids hurtful language and resentment caused by criticism.
It gives us the ability to spread joy to those we interact with, through honest and sincere appreciation.
Helps us collaborate and communicate more effectively.
It’s a win-win scenario. This is no zero-sum game.
I hope you found this interesting and I hope there was something you could take away from this article. If you made it this far, thank you so much. (This was a bit of a longer one). Much love to you all. :)
