Confidence - Part I

This little series of articles might be a little different from my normal content. At times it’ll be more like a story of my past. I’ll be writing from a vulnerable place and from the heart but I’ll put it all on the table in the hopes that it might help one of you.

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Once upon a time, 10 years ago, there was an eleven-year-old boy. His name was Dilan Alexander and he was painfully shy, embarrassingly awkward and quite unconfident in himself.

When I tell people this story, it often invites expressions of disbelief and doubt, because the person I am right now and the person I was back then are almost night and day different. I’m not dubbing myself Mr Smooth or Casanova but I am saying I’ve come a very long way.

But obviously, for me, it didn’t happen overnight. This whole confidence thing was very much a deliberate effort on my part to become the person I wanted to be. I knew that I wanted it and I sought it out. It wasn’t easy and I made loads of embarassing mistakes along the way but it’s a beautiful journey of growth and I cherish that.

Here’s my story.

Why did I want it?

I remember watching people around me who obviously had this elusive quality of confidence and the advantages it gave them. - They were able to talk to whoever they liked about almost anything and expect an amicable response. They could banter with teachers, make friends with strangers and talk to pretty girls like it was easy and I saw that it was a quality that people admired and respected. Life seemed so easy for those people.

“But that’s just not for me.” That’s what I told myself as a youngster. I was quite content; being shy, not talking to people and generally avoiding human contact. Even talking to the person at the till to buy milk was a scary thought. I reassured myself that it would all be fine. I could get through life like this, what is it to anyone if I do? I’m sure I’ll find someone and get married at some point, somehow. That’s just something that happens to everyone, isn’t it? Looking back, I cannot believe I was content with this reality.

Again and again, reality slapped me in the face. Every time I would go and hang out with new people, especially around pretty girls, I would get this incredible sinking feeling in my stomach. My hands would shake and I would sweat bullets. Something felt very, very wrong. My body would just reject the scenario I was in. I cringe to think about it.

I was self-aware about it though. I remember thinking of myself as a ‘socially-retarded’ person. I hated that part of myself. - At this point, life was a struggle.

Jeffery.

Having come from that place in my life, I see this in other people today. I’ll often host poker games where there are new people at the table. Let’s call this new person Jeffery. Jeffery hasn’t played poker before but everyone else at the table has. Now, being a new person in a group of people is nerve-racking enough for Jeffery. Now add to that the very serious nature of the high-stakes game of poker.

The turn will go around the table and land on Jeffery and what I see is a reflection of myself not so long ago: I can see the tips of the two cards in his hands shaking violently, sweat dripping from his temple. He taps on the table only to be corrected and told that he can’t make that move. “Oh man, sorry, um…” In a nervous flurry of confusion, he looks around the table to figure out what’s going on. He can hear his heartbeat in his ears, his throat is suddenly dry. He feels unbearably hot. His head feels like it’s going to explode. The seconds tick by and everyone’s staring now. “Um…” At this point his brain is toast. He’s so nervous he’s forgotten his own name.

I cringe in vicarious embarrassment because I remember that once, not so long ago, I was like this. I almost want to reach out my hand and tell the guy, as if I’m speaking to my past self: “It’s okay. It gets better than this.”

***

And with that, I shall conclude this part of the confidence series. I’ve set the scene, this is how it started. In the next part, I’ll talk about what I did to grow from that, and what that journey was like and perhaps in a third and final chapter, I’ll tell you things that I have learned beyond that.

If you’ve read this far, much love to you. I can appreciate that this is a rather personal one. Thanks for reading :)