Confidence - Part III
Last time we talked about my experience growing my confidence and a mindset that helped me. Here I leave you with some practical advice that has helped me most.
Some practical advice.
First, I want to knock out any misconceptions you may have about this topic:
The spotlight effect - The spotlight effect describes a feeling of “everyone is watching me and judging me so I have to be extra careful not to mess up!” Thus you feel like you have a spotlight on you at all times. This is a huge misconception that all of us fall for. Broadly speaking, no one really cares. In fact, they’re all worried about their own spotlight.
Most people are friendly, just say hi! - It may seem like it’s a cruel world with everyone walking around with serious expressions on their faces. All it takes is a simple “hello” to shatter that barrier. Generally speaking, most people will respond to you in a pleasant way.
Now, some advice:
“Be observant” - Generally be aware of how you are making others feel. If something you’re doing is making someone feel uncomfortable, apologise and make a note of that. It might be something you should stop doing in general. If you notice that another thing makes them happy, make a note of that. Sometimes it will be more complicated than that so do your best to understand them. This process of actively learning about the people around you is what creates a considerate and charismatic person.
“Fake it til you make it.” - This sounds like bad advice but I’d argue it is among the best advice that I’ve ever been given. You see, I believe that many people misinterpret this line: It sounds like your being an imposter and lying about who you truly are. You don’t have to lie at all. In fact, I’d very much discourage that at all costs.
It’s more like playing a character. A character that comes from within oneself. Pretending that you are the confident guy until that becomes part of you are. It’s like your first day on the job. Let’s say you are a builder. You certainly don’t feel like a builder but you better act the part! Soon this ‘act’ becomes part of who you are.
“Be the expert” - Sometimes you will be the person who knows a lot more about a certain topic. Use that to your benefit. People respect that. But also be careful not to sound pretentious about it.
Baby steps. - I remember watching other people and thinking “I have so far to go.” But remember, you climb a mountain one step at a time.
I remember reading somewhere about a men’s group who were working on confidence. They set themselves challenges every week. They started very small but would gradually build. “Make eye contact with 5 people as you walk down the street.”, “Get a stranger to return a smile.”, “Say good-morning to X amount of strangers this week”, “Ask for the time.” etc. Eventually, it would get to something like “Ask 3 girls for their phone numbers.” Now, you may not appreciate how difficult that is until you try it yourself but I’ll just say: It’s not something the average person is comfortable doing. The point is, that these men worked up to that point. After consistent effort, this didn't seem like much of a step up.
Resources
There are a lot of books and media that is centred around becoming a more confident person. Here are some of my favourites:
Charisma on Command - YouTube Channel
How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie - Book (Widely considered the bible of social skills.)
I hope this helps you! Thanks for reading :)
