Confidence - Part II
This week we are continuing my story in the pursuit of confidence so you’ll probably want to read the previous article: Link here.
Last week, we talked about who I was and the situation I was in. Today, we are talking about how I grew out of that into a confident person.
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What I wanted.
I was in an awkward place. I knew I was going to have to do something about this. I knew there was so much more to life beyond my little cocoon of comfort. I didn’t really know what I was aiming for or what I needed to do but I knew I wanted to change.
I wanted to be able to talk to people and not be weird about it. I wanted to make friends with people. I just wanted people to like me. To be honest, I didn’t really care for the rest of it. - Talking to pretty girls wasn’t a realistic thought for me. Asking for directions is just a useful thing. Making friends with strangers? To me, that was a superpower that I thought was way out of my reach.
How did I get there?
Practice.
Yep, that’s it, you can skip the rest of this article now. I’m just kidding, don’t actually.
The only way to get good at something is to practice. But obviously, it’s not as simple as that. Blindly going into something won’t get you very far. You need to have a plan or a mindset. However basic the plan is, the fact that there is a plan at all is what matters.
The one mindset.
There is one mindset above all else that has stuck with me the most. If you’re in a similar place, I want you to do this with me: Picture yourself 5, 10, 20 years from now. What kind of person do you want that person to be? That person you are tomorrow is entirely dependent on the choices you make today.
Now, on one hand, let’s say you every time you want to talk to someone, you hesitate, and the opportunity goes by. You become more and more shy and anxious every day. You hardly keep eye contact with people anymore. Eventually, you become a recluse whose eyes are glued to their TV screen, living in your mum’s house, drinking beer all day and never seeing the sun for years at a time. That person 10 years from now is not something you can look forward to. That’s one extreme.
On the other hand, let’s say every time you wanted to talk to someone, you choose to just do it. You walk into the lecture hall every day, and instead of sitting on your own at the back, you sit next to a stranger and start a conversation. You become more and more confident. You talk to that girl you like. You connect with important people in your industry. Soon, you’ve become the person that brings a smile to people’s faces. Wow, I’d like to be that guy.
And that’s it. You have something to run away from and something to run towards. Every single choice you make is a little vote of which person you want to be. It’s as simple as that. When you’re in class and you’re confused, are you going to ask that question or are you going to stay quiet? When someone does something that annoys you, are you going to let it slide or are you going to tell them? When you meet that person that you really like, are you going to say hi or are you going to wish you did? It’s not easy but it’s your choice.
Just the other day, I saw someone wearing the exact pair of shoes that I wanted to buy. I wanted to ask him about them but I thought, “It’ll probably trouble him too much”. I almost walked by but the thought crossed my mind “What kind of person do you want to be?” I said hi and we ended up having a very interesting conversation.
My Experience.
My journey from a shy 11-year old kid to the person I am now was a rocky road of embarrassing mistakes and plenty of social blunders. There were plenty of times where I’ve done something weird and made things awkward. Oh man, just thinking about it makes me cringe. There were plenty of times I felt too shy to talk. But I’m so glad I kept trying. The point is, growth isn’t all sunshine and rainbows but these little mistakes are so small when you look back.
For me it was simple: Learn the lesson and move on. (Don’t dwell. Keep moving forward.)
In my house, it was actually pretty tough to gain confidence. My parents were strict and didn’t let me hang out with friends very often. It was hard for me to meet people. But I would find other ways to learn.
I remember reading up on the subject of confidence. I was aware of how weird that might have seemed - essentially reading how-to guides on talking to people. It made me feel even more like a socially inept person. But it didn’t bother me much. I was starting from square zero, I knew that already.
There was definitely a market for this stuff on YouTube. I remember watching so many channels dedicated to helping people in this area. Little tips to show how to bring out your confidence.
University
However, I will say, most of the practical wisdom I gained was from actually talking to people and that only really kicked in when I went to university. I would go out to social events, parties, nightclubs, everything that my parents held me back from. I broke loose from that. I would just meet new people and talk all night. Guys, girls, everyone.
I saw my progress shoot up. That’s how I saw it. Like a progress bar in a video game. Confidence was a skill that I was deliberately working on. I know it’s weird to think like that but it is 100% the truth. Confidence is a skill you can learn like the piano.
As time went by, I got into deeper and more complex relationships with people. Life wasn’t a breeze but it definitely was better. There were still problems but better problems: Which friend should I spend more time with? Should I cut off this person? Should I start dating this girl?
One main problem I had to resolve was one of spreading myself too thinly. I realised that my limited time divided amongst so many people made my interactions hollow and my relationships passive. I’ve learned over time, that true friends are rare and those few people are the ones you should spend time with. The rest can come and go.
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Since this article is getting a little too long, I’ll leave my practical advice til a part 3. Sorry for making you wait! Thank you for reading :)
