Min-ticle #1: Emotions
Min-ticle. Funny name huh? Kinda sounds like play-fighting with a peppermint Extra.
This is the first in a series of mini articles that I have dubbed the ‘min-ticles’. I hope for this to be a more casual side of my website. Nothing too thought-out but still surrounding the general theme of self-improvement. Okay, let’s go!
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This week, I want to explore the stoic idea of emotional control.
Emotions. What even are they? That’s an important question and one that isn’t so easy to answer.
Google says this:
Hmm… Interesting. I particularly like that part in the second definition: “… as distinguished from reasoning or knowledge.”
For me, emotions are a type of feeling the exists deeper than your ‘thinking’. Your emotions eventually influence your behaviour.
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Fundamentally, our emotions come from ourselves - They cannot exist without us. Our emotions are our reactions to the world around us. Our ‘emotional response’. Yes, someone or something might make us feel angry or upset or happy or jealous but those emotions come from within as a reaction to them.
However, we can have control over our emotions.
Take for example someone who has a bad temper. You probably know someone with a bad temper. They do not have control of their anger. Instead, the anger controls them and it hurts other people.
We see there that having control of your emotions is not solely for yourself. It's also for the people around you. Not controlling your emotions makes you an unpleasant person to be around.
How do you ‘control’ your emotions?
Okay, let me make one thing clear: When I say ‘control your emotions’, I’m not asking you to be bland slices of Tesco’s own, white bread with no feelings or heart. It is 100% okay to have feelings. Not just okay but necessary.
But ask yourself this: Do I have my emotions on a leash or are my emotions controlling me?
It’s like stepping outside of yourself during those critical moments and looking at what’s really going on inside you.
“Why am I feeling this emotion? Does this emotion serve me? Am I over-reacting? Is this behaviour hurting others?”
Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Realise that you are feeling what you are feeling and doing something sensible about it. Tug on that leash and reel that emotion in a little if that is what you need to do.
Can we really do that?
It is a stoic prinicpal to have an internal locus of control - to believe that we are in control of our own destiny. (As opposed to an external locus of control - to believe that others control our destiny). I believe this attitude applies to our emotions too. Take these quotes from Greek stoic philosopher Epictetus:
“What, for instance, does it mean to be insulted? Stand by a rock and insult it, and what have you accomplished?
If someone responds to insult like a rock, what has the abuser gained with his incentive?”
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“Remember, it is not enough to be hit or insulted to be harmed, You must believe that you are being harmed.
If someone succeeds in proviking you, realise that your mind is complicit in the procovoation. Which is why it is essential that we not respond impulsively to impressions;
Take a moment before reacting and you will find it easier to maintain control.”
- Epictetus
Now, it must be said, this is easier said than done. It's very, very difficult. But I learned at a very young age that it's rather important. As a young boy, I struggled lot with emotions, particularly anger, but I soon learned it was a fool’s errand. I would end up the loser. Instead, the more control I had, the less that things bothered me.
To me that meant walking away from fights, laughing with the insulter and not being over-reactive. Also, thinking before I speak or do something I might regret.
You will learn these things over time.
In summary:
Your emotions come from you.
It is best to control your emotions, don't let them control you. - (If you don't, you will hurt others.)
You can control your emotions by taking a moment to think - ask yourself those key questions.
It takes practice.
